Spike and the Steamroller
by Jana B
Summary: Spike gets run over by a steamroller and lives! Some mildly offensive words, like you wouldn't say around the principal, but nothing worse then on the show.


Buffy and the Flat Vampire   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters situations or anything but the steamroller idea. I'm not even sure I own that.  
  
Feedback: Feel free to email me at starrydreamer@hotmail.com  
  
Special thanks to Buffy from the Buffy Cross and Stake's spoiler board chat room for her ideas and input! And Special thanks to my friend Katt for being the genius that she is!  
  
  
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"Hmph. Why do all the messed up fellows get the girl. Broody vampires, horny frat boys, psycho army men...." Spike spoke aloud to himself as he wondered down the streets of Sunnydale looking for vamps and other demons and such.  
  
"What have they got that I don't got... Well, besides a soul anyway..." he continued as he finished his 8th cigarette of the night and threw it into a nearby gutter. A breif shout was heard from below and Spike wondered why vampires bothered living in the sewer at all. Afterall, his crypt was nicer and more convenient. Probly not too good that the slayer and her scoobies knew where it was, but you can't have everything.  
  
Suddenly there was a loud growling noise behind Spike, he turned ready to fight any demon that was ready, and got run over by the steamroller that had previously been parked and abandoned.  
  
"Oh bloody hell..."  
  
******  
  
Spike grunted as he peeled himself off the street. It was just a matter of luck that he regained conscienceness before daylight. He finally managed to stand up, and seeing the steamroller again abandoned wondered what happened for a moment before looking at himself to make sure he was alright.   
  
"Oh s***! What the bloody hell happened to me?! I'm bloody flat I am!" He tested himself out for a moment.   
  
"Well, guess my bones and such aren't too crushed, I can still walk and talk and such." he muttered to himself, checking his jacket pocket to see if his cigarettes were okay. They weren't. He attempted a shrug, thinking he could just buy more later.  
  
"Now what will I do?"  
  
  
******  
  
"Slayer! Slayer!! Will you please come down here a minute?" Spike called to Buffy's open window. It was about 3 in the morning and Spike was a little weary of getting her up this late again, but he didn't see much choice. He couldn't go back to Harmony like this, and any of the other scoobys probably wouldn't stop laughing. Buffy, on the other hand, had seen it all and might be of some help. So thats why he was hiding in the shadows yelling at Buffys window.  
  
"Spike? Is that you? I can't see you! What the hell do you want anyway?" Buffy finally called from her open window.   
  
"Oh just come down here slayer, I need help and I'm not sure I can fit through your door."   
  
"What? Oh nevermind, I'll be down there in a minute. Just let me get dressed first."  
  
"Thats not really necessary..." he muttered to himself.  
  
After a few minutes, the slayer came out her front door, but Spike still hid in the darkness.  
  
"Spike? Where are you? This had better not be a trick."  
  
"I'll show myself soon enough, I just want to explain myself first. Seems I had a little accident and I'm a bit deformed."  
  
"Deformed? Huh? Just come out here Spike, I'm tired."  
  
"Oh all right." Spike sighed and slowly stepped out of the darkness. He saw in the moonlight that the slayer had a stake with her. But when she caught site of Spike she dropped it in shock. That is, right before falling to the ground in a fit of laughter.  
  
"Its not bloody funny..." Spike mumbled, embarrassed.  
  
"You...." she gasped for air "You're.... You're flat! Flat as a pancake!" Buffy managed to choke out before continuing her fit of laughter. Spike just stood there looking annoyed.   
  
  
******  
  
"So uh.... how exactly did this happen?" Joyce asked from her place at the table. Somehow they had managed to get Spike (sideways) through the frontdoor and they were now sitting at the table drinking tea and restraining giggles. Buffys laughter had woken Joyce up, and she had come down to see what was wrong. Though she was considerably less shocked, she'd still had a small laughing fit of her own.   
  
"Well, seems I got run over by a steamroller. Not sure really what happened before or after that. But here I am." the flat vampire motioned to himself, causing the two women to giggle some more. He glared at them.  
  
"Ahem. Sorry." Buffy looked slightly sheepish but still fought back a smile.  
  
"Well, just be glad you didn't wake up Dawn, she'd never get to sleep after this. What do you want us to do exactly?" Joyce said, looking down at her tea to avoid laughing some more.   
  
"Well, I'm not sure exactly. I was kind of hoping you'd let be sleep on your couchbed. As I can't exactly let myself be seen like this around the crypt."  
  
"No, I suppose you can't Spike." Buffy told him, trying to be serious.  
  
"Well, I suppose you can sleep on the couch and hang around here until you start to resembly a vampire again. Just as long as you promise not to feed off of me or my young." Joyce told the pancake...er... vampire.  
  
"I promise. Besides, I couldn't if I tried, the steamroller didn't even smash the bloody chip in my head."  
  
"That reminds me Spike, why aren't you more bloody?" Buffy asked, curious.  
  
"How the bloody hell should I know, maybe the person who ran me over put a bloody spell on me."  
  
"Well, I guess that could be it." Buffy yawned and stretched. "I was up patrolling late last night and need my beauty sleep. So if you'll excuse me..."  
  
"Looks like you've had plenty of beauty sleep to me..." Spike muttered until his breath.  
  
"What was that?" Buffy asked, slightly startled.  
  
"Oh, I was just saying that you need plenty of beauty sleep if you want to be pretty."   
  
"Oh. Whatever." Buffy went up to bed while Joyce showed Spike where the sheets and stuff were for the bed.  
  
"Good thing its queen sized." Joyce told him.  
  
  
******  
  
"Slayer. Do we have to let your other poofs know about this?" Spike whined.  
  
"Well, we could always roll you up and put you in a closet with the rest of the rugs..."  
  
"Ok, ok! Fine, I'll bloody go."  
  
"Thats better." she said as she picked up the phone to dial Giles' number. Just then Dawn came downstairs looking rather sleepy. That is, until she saw pancake boy. Then she laughed so hard she fell down the last two steps and knocked over a table, of course it had to be the one the phone was on, unplugging the phone as Dawn uncontrollably laughed at the bottom of the stairs.   
  
"Oh... my... GOSH! You look like the coyote after he got run over by a truck!" Dawn exclaimed as she started to get her breath back.  
  
"I was thinking more cartoon man from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but I guess your right." Buffy giggled as she picked up the table and put the phone back.  
  
"Who framed who?" Dawn asked, confused.  
  
"Slightly before your time kiddo."  
  
"Don't call me that, I'm not a kid."  
  
"Ahem? Flat vampire here? Needing assitence on getting nonflat?" Spike interrupted impatiently.   
  
"Well fine, I'll try this again." Buffy picked up the phone again and started dialing.  
  
"What happened to you anyway?" Dawn asked Spike as Buffy waited for someone to pick up on the other end.  
  
******  
  
"Giles and the gang will be over before too long." Buffy explained as she got off the phone. "But I don't think they believed me."  
  
"Yeah, its one of those things you gotta see to believe." Dawn agreed.   
  
"Do you have any smokes?" Spike asked Joyce, ignoring the two sisters.   
  
"I don't smoke. Do you think I should go get you some blood and cigarettes? Where do you get blood anyway?" Joyce said.  
  
"Don't worry about it mom, I asked Xander to stop by the butchers shop, and Willow to stop by E-Z Mart on the way over. Looks like Spike might be here awhile, none of them have any idea what to do about this." Buffy told her mom seemingly annoyed.  
  
"That was very thoughtful of you slayer." Spike said, slightly surprised.  
  
"Wouldn't want pancake man to be whining, would we?" Buffy asked, eyebrows raised.  
  
"Oh bloody hell, I could've gotten it myself then."  
  
"Not like that you couldn't, you'd be laughed right out of any store you went to."  
The doorbell rang before Spike could come up with a witty retort. Dawn ran to the door before anyone else could move. Somehow all the scoobys had gotten there at once and they all came in. The first thing they saw was Spike.   
  
  
The only one able to keep from falling on the floor laughing was Giles, who seemed to either be in shock or holding his breath. Probably both. Xander and Willow, on the other hand seemed to be having trouble not wetting themselves as they lay on the ground in the doorway. Xander almost dropped the bag that the blood was in as he rolled on the floor, causing Spike to be alarmed. Buffy snickered at Spikes flat expression as she went to help her friends up.  
  
"Ha-ha... Yeah, lets all have a jolly good laugh at the misfortunate Vampire." Spike said sarcastically. Meanwhile, the Summers family couldn't help catching the laughter and started laughing as well. Finally, when Giles started turning blue, he stopped holding his breath, dropped the stack of books he had, and ran to the bathroom. The rest of the gang stopped laughing long enough to ponder Giles actions.   
  
"He was probably going to wet himself." Anya said knowingly as she appeared at the door. Guess not all the scoobies arrived at once afterall. She stooped and started collecting the books. Anyas comment, and the mental picture of Giles wetting himself, set everybody off again.   
  
Everyone was just settling down in the living room when Giles returned.   
  
"It seems it took me a moment to contain myself. Ah, Anya, glad you could come. You having been around so long I was hoping you could help us." Giles said uncomfortably as he sat down next to Joyce.  
  
"Well, I've never seen a flat vampire before. But once I did flatten a man in the mid 1950s for rejecting a woman saying that she was flat. He teased her mercilessly, so I made him flat as well." Anya told them. Even Buffy thought that that was pretty fitting a punishment for such a man, though only if temporary.  
  
"Slayer," Spike interupted "Do you think you could get me the blood they brought?"   
  
"I'm not your maid." She turned to Dawn "You do it."  
  
"Fine, but just because he's suffered enough. Still icky though." Dawn pouted as she took the bag and went to the kitchen to get a cup.  
  
"Well, lets get to work. Xander, do you think you could get the books from my car." Xander nodded and got up. "Wheres Tara? She might know something about the spells." Giles continued to Willow.  
  
"Oh, she couldn't come, she had a class." Willow told him. Dawn came back into the room and handed Spike the glass of blood. He tried to drink it but with his flat face and everything, it proved rather difficult.  
  
"Haha, now so hot now, with your... flatness and stuff." Xander taunted. Spike growled at him.  
  
"Think you could get me a straw, cutie?" Spike asked, looking up at Dawn. She grinned and went into the kitchen to look.  
  
"Ah, he called me a cutie!" she said to herself as she left the room. Spike looked as proud at he could, considering most of his lovely features, like his cheekbones, were smooshed.  
  
They all started reading as Spike, with his ribbony arms and legs, carefully drank the blood, then started into the cigarettes. It proved to be rather difficult as well, since his lungs were flat too, but soon his chest was rising and falling in a bubble shape as he inhaled and exhaled the cigarette smoke.   
  
"Heres something, I think. Its called the Onatama device. It hinders severe demage to a vampire when something happens to him other then the traditional ways of vampire death." Willow said, looking up from her book.   
  
"A device? I haven't got a device." Spike protested.  
  
"Well, apparently, only the spell caster needs it. But its a rather long and draw out spell, it would take awhile to work it out. Not to mention how hard the ingredients are to find." Willow told them, looking down at the book again.  
  
"Who would go through all that trouble to hurt me?" Spike asked.  
  
"I would." Xander mumbled.  
  
"So would I. Well, before the whole chip thingy." Willow said looking sheepish.  
  
"I don't have to take this, I'm gonna go upstairs." Spike was up and at the stairs within moments.  
  
"I wouldn't do that- Ouch..." Buffy called but was cut off when Spike hit his head on the landing above the stairs, then rolled (literally, he rolled into a carpet type roll) down the stairs again. Of course, everybody started laughing again. Though Dawn quickly went to help him, but somehow, as she always does, she tripped and fell on top of him.   
  
"Oh bloody hell! Get the **** off me! I'm not a joke, I'm a big bad vampire. This royally sucks." Spike screamed.  
  
"Actually, you royally suck, vampire roadkill man." Xander called out. Getting a pretty histerical reaction from the scoobys, except for Anya who looked a bit confused at the humor. "That is what vampires do, right? Suck?" Anya questioned Xander. He looked uncomfortable as he tried to explain the joke to Anya, afraid she might make an embarrassing sexual observation about their own sex life. Lucky for everyone, she didn't.  
  
"So this Onamanapea thing, where can you get it?" Buffy asked Willow.  
  
"Onatama. And it was last seen in...." Willows eyes widened as she looked up. "Brazil."  
  
"Brazil? Me and Dru went to Brazil once, but I don't think I made many enemies there." Spike said, trying to look confused.  
  
"Well... uh... Isn't that where Riley went?" Willow asked.  
  
"No, I think it was Belize" Buffy told her, a quick glint of pain in her eyes. Spike saw this and almost growled.   
  
"Well, whoever was could have gone to Brazil to get the Onatama device. Though to waste that much time just to embarrass Spike..." Giles stopped when he saw the angry look on Spikes face.  
  
"Why wouldn't they spend time on me? I've been pretty bloody bad in my day." Spike said defensively.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure you have, but why would they go to that much trouble just to flatten you? Wouldn't they rather kill you instead?" Willow reasoned.   
  
"Well, if they wanted to kill me there are far better ways then a bloody steamroller!" Spike argued.  
  
"Why do we care so much about flat boy anyway? If it weren't for that chip in his head, and well his current flatness, he'd kill us first chance he got." Xander said.  
  
"Good point Xander. Very good point." Giles agreed.   
  
"Well we need to help him... because... well, just because he's helped us with stuff. Like Tara. Well, he hurt her to do so, but at least we know shes not a demon." Dawn rambled.  
  
"Fine. But how the heck are we supposed to know who did it?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Well, it has to have been someone whose done some traveling... Possibly someone we know, but haven't seen in awhile..." Xander said. Then they all looked at Willow.   
  
"Oh no... No way! Why would Oz do it?" Willow asked.   
  
"Because... I'm in love with Buffy." Oz said as he stepped into the room. He'd been hiding around the corner, un-noticed by anyone.  
  
"In love with WHO?!?" everyone cried in unison.  
  
"Buffy. I came here to tell her, but she was still with that Riley guy. So I got him hooked up with some she-vamps. That got rid of him after awhile. But then I saw Spike stalking her, and I got so mad. I had gotten this thing in Brazil, cause I thought it might help Angel. But then I figured it might help me with Spike. Couldn't bear to kill the defenseless guy, so I smooshed him." Oz explained. Everyone cracked up laughing, except Willow, Buffy, and Spike, who looked on shocked.   
  
"You're in love with her? Since when?" Willow asked, hurt.  
  
"Since I found out you were going another way, and when Buffy helped get me out of that initiative place." Oz told her matter-of-factly.  
  
"Oh bloody hell." Spike cried, raising his flat hand to his flat head in exasperation. Buffy just continued to look on in shock.  
  
  
  
Weeks Later...  
  
"I'm glad I'm back to normal... if you'd call this normal." Spike told Buffy. She didn't look interested.   
  
"I'm also glad that that werewolf fellow got the hint and left town, what was that all about anyway?" Spike continued. Buffy still didn't look interested.  
  
"Will you bloody listen to me?" he asked, exasperated.   
  
"Oh, sorry, I was just wondering why your cheek bones are so cute." Buffy replied finally.  
  
"Oh. I guess thats okay then." he answered. Then he kissed her, long and sweet.  
  
"Ew! Will you guys please get a room? I'm so tired of you guys being all mushy." Dawn complained.  
  
  
  
Note: I have nothing against Spike or anybody else on Buffy or Angel, I just know his character better than any of the other vamps.   
This whole thing is assuming that since there are only specific ways to kill a vamp, then the steamroller wouldn't kill him. Its also assuming that his head doesn't pop off and he still has full use of his bones and muscles.   
  
  



End file.
